There are 8 of us, we have been friends since university and every summer we go away for a long weekend, sometimes in the UK, sometimes abroad. We are a mixture of married and single ladies. About 3 years ago one of the girls Cat, came out and introduced us to her girlfriend. This took me by surprise, I had no idea, even though we had lived together for 3 years at university and 3 years after. She seems happy and that’s all that matters. Over the years we have done big group things and partners have joined us and then kids when they started to come along, but our summer weekend trip has always been just us girls. Last year we went to Scotland, just outside Edinburgh, we normally arrive on a Thursday and leave on Sunday evening.
We arrive in Edinburgh; the house was amazing. By 7pm everyone has arrived, including Cat and her girlfriend, one of the girls asked Cat why her girlfriend was here, she said she was just staying one night and was going to stay with some family for the rest of the weekend as they were going to spend the following week in Scotland. That’s what happened, there was plenty of room in the house it had 6 bedrooms, so it wasn’t an issue. It did change the dynamics of the group, but it was only one night. Cat had said on several occasions how great it was that she could bring her girlfriend to ‘girl only’ things.
This year was a little different, we had decided that we should see if we could find a cheap package abroad and wait until the end of September and extend our summer. So, I did my normal leave it with me and found some great cheap options to Ibiza, there were some great resorts, we could pair off 2 girls per room and we could enjoy at least one more long weekend of sun, I paired up with Cat and booked the flights and hotel.
1 week before the holiday Cat still hadn’t sent me the money for our flights and room, I wasn’t worried, she often gave cash for things when she arrived. Then the night before the holiday she texted me saying she will make her own way to the airport as she was going straight from work.
When we got through security, we saw Cat and her girlfriend Lucy sat by the gate. There was a lot of ‘what is she doing’ and ‘why is Lucy here’. We decide that when we get to the hotel we will talk to Cat and say that this isn’t ok, you can’t just bring your partner on our group trips, we have never done this and just because Lucy is female, that doesn’t change anything.
We all got to the hotel, I am now in a room on my own which I don’t mind, but it is less fun. The hotel did move me and put me next to Kim and Sarah and we had connecting rooms. Once we are all sorted, we decide to talk to Cat, but this didn’t go down well.
She accused us of deliberately leaving Lucy out, we never invited her when we went out for drinks in Sheffield, or if someone had invited the girls round for dinner. This got heated and Cat accused us all of being homophobic, we tried to explain that it was nothing to do with the fact that Lucy was female, I didn’t bring my husband when Kim invited us out for drinks and none of our husband/boyfriends are here, Its no different. This has always been a partner free zone. We are not homophobic, we like Lucy and she is more than welcome when we do a partners included thing.
I asked Cat for my money which she refused, she said that she isn’t paying twice and its just tough. She said she would bring Lucy wherever she wanted, it got really heated and at this point and Cat pushed one of the girls out of the door and into the corridor.
She screamed for us to leave, so we left, what we didn’t know was that Lucy had called the police and we spent the next 3 hours telling our stories until they were satisfied it was a falling out and that was it.
The 7 of us avoided Cat and Lucy for the rest of the weekend, worried that she may call the police again is she felt ganged up on. She left our WhatsApp groups and that was the last we heard from her. We saw her at the airport on the way home and that was it. I want to resolve this, but I don’t know what to do, there is still a lot of anger towards Cat and especially Lucy, for calling the police.
Charlotte, 32
Sheffield
Dear Charlotte,
Its really difficult to resolve things when the other person see’s things differently from you. You saw the situation as this is a partner free zone, it doesn’t matter what gender the partner is. Whereas Cat see’s things differently, she maybe see’s it as a man free zone, but Lucy is a female so, why shouldn’t she be included.
You said you want to resolve this? Firstly, is that possible, will Cat listen to you. You may need to accept that you can make the first move but if Cat won’t engage then that maybe it. What are you willing to accept, do you need an apology to resolve this, you may not get one. Do you need your money back, again that may not happen.
What about the rest of the group, how do they feel, you may mend your relationship with Cat, but that may not mean group acceptance. Lucy was the one to call the police, I am guessing she must have been concerned to do that, but that must have been worrying for you all. Have you thought about how Lucy may feel about the situation and how that may influence Cat’s decisions as well.
The only thing you can do is reach out, say what ever you are going to say and Cat will then have to decide to engage or not.