Dear Ellie,
I don't know what to do, me and my husband had a fight a few weeks ago and in the heat of the moment I screamed that I cheated on him as well.
I thought he was cheating on me, he had been talking about a new colleague called Sam, I thought it was a male colleague at first, but then I saw a photo on social media, Sam is a women. They have been out for drinks together, he didn't tell me it was just them, then 2 weeks ago he went on a work trip to London, Sam was also there, I only found out because of Instagram. When I asked him he got all defensive and told me to stop being stupid. When he was asleep I took his phone and looked at his messages, Sam had messaged him after he had fallen asleep, she was arranging to meet my husband the next day, my husband hadn't put Sam's number under Sam, he had put it under work peep, but she sent him a nude, so I could see it was her. I woke him up and asked him what was going on, he just admitted it. I wanted him to feel what I was feeling, so I screamed I cheated on you as well. I haven't cheated and now he thinks its all ok, because we both did it. I explained that I just said it to hurt him, but he said no one says that if they haven't done it. I don't know what to do? I don't know what I want, do I want to stay with him. He doesn't seem to care and is just carrying on as normal. What should I do?
Lilly, 32
Leeds
Dear Lilly,
This sounds like a really difficult situation. Do you know what your husband wants to do? Does he want to work on your relationship? Has the affair ended? Once you know what he is thinking you can decide what you want. I am wondering if because you said you had cheated as well, he feels less guilt. If he has to consider that you haven't, then he may feel very different. You may consider some individual counselling, some time and space to process what happened and what your next steps are going to be.
You both may consider couples counselling, to work out together what's next. Relate can help with this, or you can find a private couples counsellor, if you do find a local counsellor make sure they are on the register with College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists.